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  • Marina Marigold

percolating


As usual, can't stand around too long or I'll come back to my life being a mess. Everything is always me coming behind other people's messes, seems like. I've been learning to go hide and give other people time to, oh I dunno, maybe step up and be responsible for their own messes?


Something like that.


Doesn't seem to be working.


It really is funny how other people automatically assume I'm in charge of fixing stuff. Like a few minutes ago, for instance. I had found a wiki site for an actress that appeared to be abandoned, was certainly bereft of info, decided to check if this particular wiki is new, found out the last content editor for that page has been a member since 2016, so it's not new, but the page might still be newish, right. And there is absolutely no wiki page at all for the tv show she's in that I deal with in my fan group. So she popped up in the group comments mentioning that the credits weren't complete. Then she said it again later. Like... am I supposed to just jump right on that?


Because that's not my job, and I'm not being paid to own and run a fan group, either.


But I get that everywhere I go. In my home, among groups online, any building I walk into, I am the person people automatically look at when something needs doing.


And they may be right, I generally do step up and have a long history of cool things in my life because of that. Like ghost stories from cleaning a church building after high school kind of thing. Years of cool stories brought to you by my actual experiences doing real life stuff.


So I've been ruminating on what my real life actually is. Since I'm always doing stuff for other people. Right? Is anything in my own real life actually mine?


Most of the spotlights I wind up in are because other people have shoved me into them, but very few follow. They don't even want to take credit for shoving me out there in the first place. And the really rare ones who do want credit usually wind up either becoming jealous that they aren't the one people turn to (that really takes a toll on friendships), or a couple have even shoved me over to turn the spotlight on themselves once they saw how things turned out for me. Nearly all of these have been sad (and even horrifying) emotional experiences for me, and I never asked for them to happen in the first place.


So what is really mine? A fan group? A social media platform? Histories of interaction?


I still have a lot of thinking to do.



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